A Mutual and Discerned Agreement
Before any spiritual direction can bear fruit, it must begin with a mutual and prayerful agreement between the one who seeks to be accompanied—the directee—and the one called to accompany—the spiritual director. This relationship is not one-sided, nor is it merely functional. It is a sacred covenant of trust, discernment, and cooperation under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
As the Directory on the Ministry and Life of Priests reminds us, “spiritual direction is a personal and ecclesial service” (Directory, 96). It is not automatic; it must be freely entered into by both parties, in a spirit of openness and discernment. The directee is not a passive recipient of advice, but a person actively seeking to grow in holiness. The director is not a master or a guru, but a companion attentive to the mysterious work of the Holy Spirit in the soul of another.
To enter into this relationship wisely, prayer is essential—on both sides. The one seeking direction must ask the Lord for guidance in choosing the right person. The director, in turn, must pray for light to discern whether they are being called to accompany this particular person. St. Ignatius of Loyola, the master of spiritual discernment, teaches us: “It is very helpful that the person who gives the Exercises, without wanting to ask anything of the one who receives them, should have a great deal of charity and a sincere desire that the Creator and Lord communicate Himself to the devout soul” (Spiritual Exercises, Annotation 15). This same principle applies to spiritual direction: the director must be animated by a selfless desire that the directee encounter and respond to God.
For this reason, a trial period is often appropriate. Neither party should feel forced into a long-term relationship from the beginning. Time is needed to see whether there is sufficient trust, openness, and spiritual resonance. Pope Benedict XVI emphasises the personal nature of this discernment: “Today more than ever we feel the need for a wise and loving guide… to help the person who is being directed to open his heart to the Holy Spirit” (Address to the Congregation for the Clergy, 16 March 2009).
St. Teresa of Avila also insisted that not every priest or religious is necessarily suited to be a director: “A director must be learned, discreet, and experienced” (Life, ch. 13). But she also urged humility and realism in choosing a director, noting that “if we search for perfection in all things, we may be left with nothing.”
This means that the beginning of spiritual direction involves discernment and mutual recognition. It is not a matter of status, but of grace. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church affirms, “In the spiritual life, the Holy Spirit gives to some the gift of wisdom… so that they may guide others” (CCC §2690). But this gift does not impose itself. It must be humbly received, and freely acknowledged.
Above all, both the directee and director must remember that it is the Holy Spirit who is the true guide. The spiritual director is only a servant of that greater light. As St. John of the Cross beautifully wrote: “The soul’s guide must be God alone; if a human guide is used, it must be someone who clearly understands that he is a mere instrument” (Spiritual Canticle, Prologue).
Spiritual direction, then, begins with this twofold movement: prayerful discernment and free agreement. It is a covenant of spiritual freedom, guided by charity and founded on the desire to follow Christ ever more faithfully.
Early Stages of Accompaniment: Responsibilities and Dispositions
Once the relationship of spiritual direction begins, the early stages require a special kind of attentiveness from both the spiritual director and the directee. This is a time of laying foundations, establishing trust, and gradually entering the rhythm of discerning God’s action in the soul. As in all beginnings, what is sown now will bear long-term fruit. The success of the journey depends largely on the depth and integrity of these first steps.
First and foremost, both parties must understand that spiritual direction is not primarily about giving advice or solving problems. Rather, as Pope Francis puts it, it is “a process of discernment that enables the person to grow in the Lord” (Gaudete et Exsultate, 166). The early conversations should aim at identifying the directee’s real desire—his or her thirst for God—and nurturing it.
For the spiritual director, this stage calls for discretion, humility, and listening. It is not yet the time for detailed teaching or strong advice. Rather, it is a time to observe attentively and lovingly. The director must ask: How does the Holy Spirit seem to be moving in this person’s life? What obstacles are present? What gifts are already at work? These are subtle but crucial questions. St. Francis de Sales offers wise counsel here: “The director must not seek to govern the soul according to his own spirit, but according to the spirit of the one who is being directed” (Introduction to the Devout Life, Part I, Ch. 4). This requires interior detachment and prayerful discernment.
The early sessions often include the telling of one’s story—especially the directee’s experience of God, prayer, Church, wounds, and longings. This is sacred ground. It is not a psychological analysis nor a spiritual interview, but rather a reverent listening to how God has been acting in the person’s life. St. John Henry Newman famously wrote: “God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another.” The early stages of direction help the directee begin to recognize this “definite service” and trace the divine fingerprints upon their history.
For the directee, the first responsibility is honesty. True spiritual growth is impossible without truthfulness. One must have the courage to speak from the heart—not to perform, or to say what one thinks is expected, but to reveal what is really happening in the soul. This includes sharing joys and consolations, but also doubts, resistances, temptations, and dryness. The director does not need perfection, only sincerity.
Moreover, the directee must learn to take personal responsibility for their spiritual life. As the Catechism teaches: “Man’s freedom is limited and fallible. In fact, man failed. He freely sinned” (CCC §1739). But with grace, he can rise. Spiritual direction does not replace the directee’s decisions; it accompanies them. A director cannot carry the other’s journey—only help to illumine the path and encourage fidelity to grace.
At this stage, some structure may begin to be established: the frequency of meetings (often monthly), the format of conversations (a balance between sharing and reflection), and the place of silence, Scripture, and prayer in the directee’s life. These external elements serve to support the internal movement toward Christ.
St. Teresa of Avila warns against becoming passive in direction, simply relying on the words of a guide: “Let them not suppose that the Lord will do all the work if they fail to do what they can… God only helps those who strive, who work with all their strength” (Interior Castle, I.2.7). Therefore, from the beginning, the directee must learn to pray, reflect, and examine their own growth between sessions—not just during them.
Finally, both director and directee must remember that it is the Holy Spirit who leads the process. As Pope Benedict XVI affirms: “The spiritual director must be a man of deep listening to the Spirit and must be truly docile to His inspirations, because it is the Holy Spirit who is the true guide of souls” (Address to the Congregation for the Clergy, 2009). In this light, both must grow in the virtue of docility—the readiness to be led, not by emotion or personal plans, but by the still, small voice of God.
Thus, the early stages of spiritual direction are less about solving and more about listening, less about giving and more about discerning. They establish a sacred space where the soul begins to hear the voice of the Good Shepherd more clearly, and where both director and directee become instruments of His love and light.
Common Pitfalls and Misunderstandings in Spiritual Direction
As spiritual direction becomes more widely sought and practiced in the Church today, it is important to be aware of certain misunderstandings that can distort or weaken the process. Some of these are subtle, others more obvious. But all can limit the fruitfulness of this sacred relationship if not addressed with clarity and humility.
Perhaps the most frequent mistake is the confusion between spiritual direction and therapy or counseling. While it is true that the human and psychological dimension plays a role in the spiritual life, the aim of spiritual direction is not psychological healing. Its purpose is theological and pastoral: to help a person grow in union with God by cooperating more consciously and fully with His grace. As the Congregation for the Clergy stated in 2011: “Spiritual direction is oriented towards the discernment of God’s will in one’s life and growth in holiness… It is not to be confused with psychological counselling, even though these may occasionally touch upon similar questions.” (Directory for the Ministry and the Life of Priests, §43)
Another frequent pitfall is a form of spiritual passivity on the part of the directee. Some may come to direction expecting answers, prescriptions, or quick solutions to their interior struggles. But spiritual direction is not about outsourcing one’s spiritual life to another. The directee must remain the primary agent of his or her journey, because spiritual growth involves the full engagement of personal freedom, intelligence, and love. St. John of the Cross insists on the importance of active cooperation with grace, saying that “the soul must journey in nakedness and emptiness, leaning only on God.” (Ascent of Mount Carmel, II.4)
Conversely, another danger is the over-dependence on the director. Some may idealize the director, treating him or her as a spiritual oracle or quasi-infallible authority. This dynamic stifles freedom and often leads to immaturity or manipulation. The director must always remain, as St. Bernard of Clairvaux beautifully put it, “a finger pointing to the moon”—a sign, not the source. It is Christ, and Christ alone, who is the light, the guide, the destination.
For the director, there are equally dangerous temptations. One of them is overstepping the limits of the role, especially when personal opinions, emotional entanglements, or spiritual pride begin to interfere. A director is not the master of the soul but a humble servant of the Spirit’s work. St. Gregory the Great warned: “The guide of souls must never presume to impose his own will upon another’s conscience. He is not to dominate but to serve.” (Pastoral Rule, II.6)
Another frequent issue is a lack of clarity regarding the spiritual tradition in which the direction is taking place. If the director is not well-formed in the foundations of spiritual theology—particularly the stages of growth, the action of grace, the discernment of spirits—he or she may unknowingly give advice that is unfitting, too general, or even harmful. This is why St. Teresa of Avila insisted on the importance of formation: “A director who has learning without experience is like a blind man leading the blind. They may both fall into a pit.” (Life, Ch. 13)
Still another pitfall is reducing spiritual direction to just external practices or a kind of devotional coaching. While spiritual disciplines (such as prayer, sacraments, fasting, spiritual reading) are crucial, direction must also lead the soul into a deeper interior life, where God communicates directly through faith, hope, and charity. Without this contemplative dimension, spiritual direction becomes superficial and dry.
Lastly, a common and very human temptation is discouragement. The directee may not see progress or may experience repeated falls, confusion, or dryness in prayer. Here, the director’s role becomes that of a patient witness and encourager. As Pope Francis reminds us: “Spiritual direction must be a dynamic process… one that helps people not to be afraid of their limits or falls, but instead to entrust them to the mercy of God and to grow in freedom.” (Address to Spiritual Directors, March 2021)
True spiritual direction, then, requires realism and hope, maturity and grace, a deep respect for the unique path God is unfolding in each soul. When both director and directee walk in humility, prayer, and trust in the Holy Spirit, these common pitfalls can be recognised and avoided. And what remains is the slow, beautiful work of divine transformation—hidden, silent, but sure.
Spiritual Direction Begins with Spiritual Life: The Seed of the Second Conversion
Spiritual Direction is not a preliminary to faith, nor is it a substitute for evangelization. It is not primarily aimed at those who are spiritually unawakened or disengaged. Rather, it is a help given to those who have already entered into the life of grace, or who stand on the threshold of a profound interior turning—what spiritual tradition has called the second conversion. It presupposes that something essential has already happened: an encounter with Christ that has awakened the soul and called it into relationship.
The goal of direction, then, is not to bring about this initial awakening, but to help the person find their bearings in this new life, to walk with them as they learn how to live in communion with the Lord, and to discern the unique way the Holy Spirit is leading them. The Church calls this process the work of sanctification. St. Paul evokes this dynamic when he writes: “If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.” (Galatians 5:25)
The person seeking spiritual direction is someone in whom this seed of life has already been planted. There is already a personal relationship with Jesus—perhaps fragile, often in need of healing, but nevertheless real. This relationship is not an abstraction. It may have been born through a moment of conversion, a deep experience of prayer, a crisis, or even through suffering that opened the heart. It is the starting point.
As such, the director does not aim to replace this relationship, but to protect it, to nurture it, and above all, to listen attentively to what the Holy Spirit is doing in the directee’s life. The true Director of the soul is the Holy Spirit. The human director is only an instrument, a witness, and a servant of this divine action. As St. John of the Cross insisted, “The soul’s guide must not presume to guide it according to his own method… The director should rather let the Holy Spirit act, and humbly discern and confirm the divine action.” (Precautions, 3)
This attitude requires great reverence. The directee is not a passive recipient of advice, but a person being drawn by grace, called by name, invited to respond in freedom. The role of the director is to help the person learn how to respond, how to pray, how to discern, how to let go—and how to trust the quiet work of God within.
This is especially vital in the early stages after the second conversion, when a person is often disoriented. Old habits, patterns of thought, and false images of God begin to fall away. But the new life is still fragile and undefined. The person is like a seed just sprouting—full of potential, yet in need of careful attention. The director becomes like a wise gardener, but even then, only as a servant of the true Gardener: the Holy Spirit.
The Catechism speaks beautifully of this interior relationship: “Prayer is the living relationship of the children of God with their Father… The life of prayer is the habit of being in the presence of God and in communion with Him.” (CCC §2565)
It is precisely this habit of communion that spiritual direction seeks to support. Not by imposing spiritual practices or formulas, but by listening for signs of grace, by noticing the movements of the heart, and by fostering fidelity to the Lord’s initiative. The role of the director is to gently guide the soul toward docility, clarity, and responsibility—so that the seed of grace might grow into full maturity.
And so both director and directee must remain first of all listeners. Listeners to the Word. Listeners to the silence in which God speaks. Listeners to the hidden movements of the Spirit. For this reason, the act of spiritual direction is not primarily a teaching or a conversation, but a sacred space of discernment.
As Pope Francis reminded spiritual guides: “The spiritual director is a servant of the true Director, the Holy Spirit. He must foster freedom, not dependency; he must help the other to listen to God, not to himself.” (Address to Seminary Formators, November 2013)
This awareness, when internalised, transforms the relationship. The directee learns to take responsibility for his or her spiritual growth, while remaining profoundly receptive. The director, for his or her part, becomes a guardian of the mystery of God’s work, never seeking to control, but always ready to serve.
Thus, the journey begins—with grace already planted, and with both director and directee bending the ear of the heart toward the One who is always speaking.
Understanding the Work of Grace: The Three Major Phases of Spiritual Life and Their Importance for Spiritual Direction
When we say that Spiritual Direction is given to a person who at least has already a Spiritual Life, it is crucial to understand what this truly means, particularly how the grace of God operates within the soul. Without this clarity, both director and directee risk confusion about expectations, goals, and the very nature of growth in the spiritual life.
The spiritual life is often described in three major phases, each marked by a distinctive relationship with grace and a specific manner in which the soul responds to God’s invitation. These phases provide a framework for understanding the person who seeks spiritual direction and the work that the director is called to undertake.
The First Phase: The Natural and Initial Phase
In this first phase, grace is at work to awaken the soul and initiate conversion. The person may be newly drawn to faith or in the early stages of responding to God’s call. This is the period of the first conversion, characterized by an initial turning away from sin and a desire for God’s presence. Grace is primarily extrinsic here, meaning it acts on the person from outside, drawing them into a new life.
At this stage, spiritual direction may not yet be appropriate, because the foundational relationship with Christ is still developing. The individual needs primarily catechesis, evangelisation, and basic formation in prayer and moral living. The director’s role is often taken by pastoral ministers, catechists, or evangelisers who accompany the person gently toward this first awakening.
The Second Phase: The Beginning of the Spiritual Life Proper
Once the first conversion has occurred and the person has begun to live in grace, the spiritual life truly begins. This second phase is marked by the soul’s active collaboration with grace. The person starts to recognize interior movements, desires for holiness, and the workings of the Holy Spirit within. This phase corresponds closely with the second conversion or new birth, wherein the soul is reoriented toward deeper union with Christ.
It is at this phase that spiritual direction becomes essential. The directee is invited to enter a more intentional relationship with God, and the director serves as a companion who helps discern the movements of grace, encourages perseverance, and fosters growing freedom in the spiritual life. This phase is characterized by synergy: a dynamic cooperation between the human will and the divine initiative.
The spiritual director’s role is to help the directee discern this synergy—to notice where grace is at work, to distinguish it from illusions or superficial feelings, and to encourage habits that foster steady growth, such as prayer, examination of conscience, and regular reception of the sacraments.
The Third Phase: The Transforming Union
The third phase is the deeper, more intimate stage of spiritual life where grace works intrinsically within the soul, transforming it at its very core. This is the stage of mystical union, often experienced after prolonged growth and purification. Here, the soul participates in the life of the Trinity in an ever-deepening way.
While not everyone reaches this phase in the same manner or time frame, spiritual direction at this stage becomes profoundly delicate and subtle. The director’s task is to guard the soul against presumption and to support ongoing fidelity to grace. The director also encourages discernment to recognize genuine spiritual experiences from psychological or emotional ones, always emphasizing humility and openness.
Implications for Spiritual Direction
Understanding these phases clarifies why spiritual direction is not simply general advice or human counsel, but a divinely oriented ministry that respects the soul’s unique stage of growth. A person who is in the initial phase of awakening needs different support than one who is beginning the journey of conversion, and very different support than one who is moving toward mystical union.
The grace of God is always the principal actor, but its manner of operation varies. The director must be attuned to these differences and adapt their guidance accordingly. This requires discernment, theological formation, and above all, prayerful attentiveness.
As the article from School of Mary highlights, the spiritual director and directee walk together in a dynamic interplay of grace and freedom. The director is not the one who gives grace but the one who helps the soul recognize, cooperate with, and remain faithful to that grace.
This understanding shapes the entire approach to spiritual direction. It sets the foundation for realistic expectations and provides the context for the growth that the director seeks to foster: not a mechanical following of rules or spiritual exercises, but the gradual transformation of the new man in Christ, rooted in Baptism and called to full union with the Trinity.